My Journal

damn survey

2006-03-06T15:32:03Z

Your results:
You are Data

Data		78%
Spock		75%
Jean-Luc Picard		75%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		75%
Worf		65%
Mr. Sulu		60%
Geordi LaForge		60%
Deanna Troi		60%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		45%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		40%
Will Riker		30%
Uhura		25%
Beverly Crusher		25%
Chekov		15%
Mr. Scott		10%

Even though you are a genius
you are always striving to be better.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Im sorry that its been a while

2005-12-18T20:31:21Z

I recently joined myspace so ive been over there alot recently. I havent been updating this much because most of my posts here only depress me now. They were from the darkest part of my life when my world was going to hell. The sad thing is i dont really feel as though im quite out of it yet. Dana claims to want me back despite that i know for a fact that she isnt the least bit sorry for what she put me through, or even what she still puts me through. Its frustrating because i still love her. She has surrounded herself with people that encourage and justify to her that she has no reason to feel guilty and that i deserved what she did to me. I guess its easier for her than feeling guilty. Her friends only care about making her feel good about herself. Ordinarily i wouldnt see a problem with this, but at the cost of ones concience, i dont see how they can sleep at night. Even satanists who see no problem with being selfish are at least tempered by a sense of right and wrong. My friends on the other hand full on confront me with the fact that i was a bastard and i feel like crap for it. I dont just feel like crap, ive done things to fix it. Anything i could do to stop being as ive been, ive made it a point to do. She claims that she cant go back to the person she used to be, yet expects me to be more like who i was when we first got together.
We have been trying to see if we can be together again but she is still lying to me about things after we both said we wouldnt hide anything from each other. I found out that she had a threesome with the guy that she cheated on me with during the time that we were seperated. she denies this fact and claims that she only did stuff with the other person involved but that isnt what was indicated by what i found. This tells me that she isnt sorry about what she did to me and that she would do it again. And since she hid it from me, i can be sure that she wont be anymore honest with me than she has already been. Sometimes i envy her for her lack of right/wrong. I wish i could go through life believing that by being dishonest im somehow sparing people the oh so cruel truth because im in fact a monster. I guess the whole idea of simply not being a monster is unrealistic to her. All i want is the truth but she would rather risk losing me completely than be honest and so she likely will.

another damn quiz

2005-11-11T23:53:05Z

<td align="center">Love is most important in your life.

A high love concentration indicates that you want love in your life. It is very important to you and something that you strive to attain.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

I'm batman

2005-11-05T21:33:43Z

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause.

</td>

Batman, the Dark Knight

92%

Neo, the "One"

79%

El Zorro

63%

Lara Croft

58%

James Bond, Agent 007

54%

The Amazing Spider-Man

54%

The Terminator

50%

Captain Jack Sparrow

50%

Indiana Jones

50%

Maximus

50%

William Wallace

38%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

dsl is crap

2005-09-01T06:47:10Z

Well it seems im left with little choice but to post here again seeing as how anything else i would other wise be doing on this computer isnt working right atm. We have the crappiest dsl connection here. id be getting faster responce playing guild wars if i was on dial up. its really pathetic, everything is so slow. i tried switching to WoW since guild wars is having trouble with the connection only to get booted off when the phone is in use. I even have the damn line filter installed. sbc dsl is worthless.
Ok so enough ranting about my internet problems, i wont have to deal with it much longer anyway. Dana wants me to move back in with her in norwalk. Part of me feels as though it might be premature but if me and dana have a chance of working out, despite everything, i dont want to let it go and if i dont move back in with her she wont be able to cover the rent and she will have to move back in with her dad which means id never see her again and the relationship would be over anyway. On the other hand....
I have a feeling that come october im going to be disapointed yet again by something she will do that ill find out about which means that ill be moving in just in time to move out again. Ive asked yet another simple request and she has already been screwing that up so im sure its just a matter of time till im back to being single. Im giving her one last chance and if she feels its worth risking screwing up on, well that tells me enough right there.
Anyway, bats day was actually fun. Me and dana spent the day bouncing from one group of friends to the next. I blew at least $100 on.... im not even sure where it all went. id missed space mountain. We avoided all the meet ups, i just dont see the point of paying the price of admission(which is insane) to stand around and take pictures of each other. If your going to do that, do it at a club where you at least have club lighting to make you look good as opposed to disneyland where everyone is complimenting your outfit looks as opposed to how good you look. Dana managed to drag me onto the winnie the pooh ride(not that i minded terribly) and after we exited asked me to marry her. After uncomfortable pause from myself while trying to figure out if i should express what i wrote here in the previous paragraph, i just said that its a little soon after everything that has happened and to ask me again after october. I didnt want to ruin what had been a wonderful day.

aramisnight @ 2005-08-30T23:27:00

2005-08-31T06:29:18Z

MYSTIC BEAUTY - You are eccentric, enigmatic, and
intriguing. You keep to yourself and so no one
knows the real you. You prefer the solace and
quiet of your own company over big crowds of
people. You are highly intelligent but you do
everything your own way. You come off as quirky
or weird and most people don't understand you
at all. You are probably a little disorganized.
You probably also seem distant and dreamy but
that's because you're off in your own little
world.

What type of beauty do you possess? (20 questions + 7 results + pretty pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Yet another survey. Seems i cant resist as of late. I will type more about recent events later.

here you go, advanced results

2005-08-25T17:03:59Z

Extraversion |||||||||||| 46%
Stability |||||||||||||| 53%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 50%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Mystical |||||| 30%
Artistic |||||| 30%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||| 16%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43%
Work ethic |||||| 30%
Self absorbed |||||| 23%
Conflict seeking |||| 16%
Need to dominate |||||| 30%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Avoidant |||||| 23%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||| 16%
Change averse |||||||||||| 50%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Individuality |||||| 30%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77%
Histrionic |||||| 23%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Vanity |||| 16%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

trait snapshot:

changeable, in the middle, suspicious, somewhat traditional, dislikes chaos, down to earth, group oriented, practical... you scored in the middle on the overall factors of this test.

DSL yahhh!!!

2005-08-25T03:57:09Z

Test Results

Extroversion |||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||| 66%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 73%
Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||| 53%

Your sloan type is SCOAI
Your primary type is Accommodating

You are moderately social, calm, moderately organized, accommodating, and moderately intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Salt Lake City, Oklahoma City, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, Memphis, W. Palm Beach, Portland/Salem, Louisville, Cincinnati, San Diego, Los Angeles and these international countries/regions Slovenia, Luxembourg, India, Croatia, Romania, Taiwan, Middle East, China, Caribbean, Iceland, South Africa, Czech Republic, South Korea, Hong Kong

since everyone else is doing that blasted test i figured why the hell not.

I have internet where im staying now so im happy about that, ironic that it findly comes just after dana asks for me back and wants me to go back to live with her at the norwalk house. We still have some issues that still need to be worked out but ive decided to give her another chance. October will more than likely decide if we are going to work out or not and it mostly is in her hands. Just hope this doesnt end with me ritually disembowling myself in shame. Anyway bats day is this weekend so im kinda looking forward to going to disneyland. Not looking forward to the typical fashion show attitude i can expect from my peers. Jesus christ people, its just disneyland. getting all dressed up is just going to make it more sad for you when you realize that the only reason that other people think you look good is because of club lighting and that they are drunk, something that disneyland doesnt have much of. At least when you dont dress up you can blame it on not trying to impress anyone.

Been a while

2005-08-16T01:50:59Z

I unfortunatley have no internet yet where im staying so i havent had much opportunity to update this in a while. Much of what has happened since my last post will likely disapoint many of those who have gone out of there way to prove just how good a friend they have been to me, please at least trust my sincerity when i say that you have earned my deepest respect and despite where my own current choices may lead me to in the future. There has been a dividing of mine and dana's friends due to what has happened. Many of them have been playing both sides in an attempt to either avoid problems or even to cause them. I've become rather aware of who my friends are, or even who among those i was willing to count as my friends have helped to betray me. Those who i have the most respect for are those who where unwilling to spread lies to protect others and wanted the truth to come out, not out of loyalty to me, but rather because they werent willing to stand idly by while others butchered the truth and fostered lies and deciept.
I find it rather ironic that the same group of people so willing to blame others for so called "drama", where the ones covering up for lies with more lies. Creating far more trouble and "drama" then there originally was to begin with. Thanks to you this situation became far more than an issue between me and dana as you foisted your lies on everyone. Your protecting the guilty has made you guilty as well and for that, well.... lets just say im not the only person less than happy with being lied to.
As for me and dana, Im attempting to give her another chance despite the protests and disapointments from all my friends. To my friends all i can say is im sorry and i hope you can understand. No choice here for me is an easy one. I only hope that you will be will continue to watch my back, as i will assuredly watch yours. This situation has shown me who my real friends are and i appreciate you all greatly for standing by me through what has been perhaps the most difficult point in my life. I dont know what is going to happen. The situation is still not settled. Events could happen in the next 2 weeks that could change my current course drastically.

Epilogue

2005-08-05T15:43:02Z

Well, its been a few days since i found the proof that dana had cheated on me with josh and sent gideon naked pictures of herself. Ive since moved out and unfortunatly where im staying doesnt have internet so i havent been able to update this till now. I went back and made all my posts public as i have no need to hide anything ive written here. Before i confronted her i moved all my stuff out and waited for her to get home. I even went through and took back everything id ever given her. Then i found an old journal that i had bought for her. The latest entries were very old, but what i saw filles me with grief whenever i think about them. I had made her feel for a long time how i never wanted to make her feel. I held back too much about the way i felt about her. She felt like she couldnt be herself with me. She felt unnatractive and alone. In truth i love her for her flaws as much as her strengths and i find dana to be absolutly beautiful and i was afraid of crowding her so i let her be alone. I should have never held back.
When she came home i confronted her with the evidence and she admitted to it. We talked and argued for a few hrs. But when it was over, we kissed. It was like we were kissing again for the first time. I've since realized that ive done something that i swore back when i was a kid i would never do. I've fallen in love with dana unconditionally. My friends are all really concerned about me and are afraid of what could happen to me. They are concerned that she could continue to manipulate me as she has the last month. They are all telling me that i should move on. Im not sure i can. I still feel so strongly for her even with all that has happened. Dana has asked me to give her time to be alone for a while so she can straighten herself out and concentrate on her job. We still love each other and i can forgive her if she can forgive me. Not sure if im going to wind up back with her or with someone else. But given my track record with relationships i have no guarentee that id be better off if i did get with someone else. But at least with dana, i know i love her. I guess ill just seee what happens.

others are costing me

2005-07-31T18:21:50Z

Well, it's been a while since ive posted so i figured it's about time. Dont want to get lazy now. Well in the last few days ive found out about a couple more people playing both sides against each other as far as me and dana go. And of course exposing them has cost me dearly. Dana is saying that she is giving up completely on me, and telling me to stop wasting my time on her. Seems that instead of helping me by being defiant against all these people trying to manipulate us, she is just giving in to it. They are winning only because she is content to let them. I was content to leave our chances at repairing us be based on each other, but at the same time i find it difficult to just stand there idly while people continue to play games with the 2 of us. I was hoping that i could repair us and be able to find out who it is we can and cannot trust. She makes it seem like my choice was one or the other. I told her that i chose to trust what it is she is willing to tell me, and if i came to her with something that im hearing that i would take her at her word. I just feel that both me getting her back and knowing who we can trust are both important. But to her my finding out who is responcible for spreading whatever rumor's isnt important, though she claims that she just wants peace from them. Burying my head in the sand and hoping problems go away has never worked for me, but that seems to be what she has expected me to do.
But now she tells me that she wants me to just go. The reason im still here is because we both agreed to allow me 2 months to change her mind. At this point she tells me that is impossible. In an earlier post i mentioned that my progress with dana was 1 step forward and 2 backward and it seems i was right. A month ago i was told that in order to get her back i would have to prove that my recent change of perspective wasnt temporary. As far as everyone is concerned ive done that. Even with everything to discourage me she is still the most important person to me and i love her and im still dedicated to her. But it wasnt my proving that which has determined her decision, but interferance from others has. There have been many people who have encouraged me to continue to try with her, despite whatever has happened. Those who encouraged me to follow my heart, i say thank you. You have been my friends and i wont doubt that and i wont shut you out. You have my loyalty as you gave me yours. No one on my friends list reading this is in the other category so there is really no point in my mentioning how i feel about them as im sure its pretty obvious.
I still have almost 2 months to try with dana. It may very well be futile. When i told her the first time that i loved her i didnt think i would one day be in this position. It doesnt change things now that i am though. I didnt take saying it lightly then. It means at least as much to me now.

another WTH???!!! post

2005-07-28T15:25:05Z

Ok. I wonder if this will make any sense to anyone. 3 days ago, dana comes home, picks a fight with me to break us up, and tells me that she is going to leave. This just after spending 2 days up in big bear with all her cs friends. She tells me that she just wants us to be broken up completly and be single. I naturally do what everyone pretty much see's as ill advised and try to convince her to stay. I ask her to give me 2 months to change her mind and if i cant then i will walk away. She agree's rather reluctantly and then proceeds to go off on me for being stupid and not finding someone else who is better. She tells me flat out that she is going to hurt me and keeps calling me an idiot.
Yesturday i hung out with john, carmen, and veronica. They took me out to eat and showed me there new apartment that they are moving into. They extend to me the invitation that i can live with them if i need to and tell me that they would be more than happy to have me live with them. It is really close to where i work and its not a bad place at all. I tell them that given my situation, i might take them up on it but im not positive at this point. It's not that i want to give up on dana but she has said everything she can to tell me that we are just playing a waiting game at this point till the 2 months are over, and that i have no chance.
Well i came home last night about an hour later than usual and dana asked me where id been and who with. I told her and she of course became irritated at the mention of veronica's name and started accusing her of only wanting to sleep with me and telling me that i may as well leave now since she saw the whole thing as my giving up on our relationship. Funny thing is when she says relationship, im starting not to know what the hell she is talking about. I mean sure, i want to keep dana. Everyone knows this. But she does everything in her power to try to make me quit and convince me to give up. All i did was try to prepare for what she tells me is inevitable and then she accuses me of giving up. It isnt what i want to do but the choice here isnt mine. If she doesnt want to be with me, i cant make her. Im so confused. All i can do is stick to my plan for the next 2 months and see what happens i guess.

surprise guests

2005-07-27T15:24:17Z

Lately ive had a lot of people try to be more active in my life, something im very grateful for. Yesturday bren and fawn showed up at my job. I hadnt seen bren in a bit and fawn has been pleasant to be around so i was very pleased to see them both. They drove me home and bren had me tell her what has been going on with me. I told her much of what has been happening and she claims that im much to hard on myself for what has been going on. She says that i look like im wasting away. She claims that too much doesnt make sense to her on dana's end but then again everyone tells me that. As far as the wasting away part i find it odd since, i have had trouble eating yet ive gained about 10 lbs. in the last month. Kinda worried about how im gaining that weight with how active ive been, its obviously muscle thankfully but it still concerns me. anyway, i made an effort when dana got home to let her have some time with them and to not be a pest.
Last night in the middle of a deep sleep, me and dana where woken up by aeris giving birth. We now have another 4-5 kittens. sadly unless anyone wants any we will have to take them to a shelter. We simply cannot afford to take care of all these cats. let us know if anyone is interested.

I cant stand being home

2005-07-26T01:52:31Z

So damn awkward being here. Need to avoid being home as much as possible. Its hot and uncomfortable. Must get out and find a way to stay out as much as possible. losing mind. have to work tommorow, but i dont need tons of sleep. must keep self distracted....... ARGH!!!! DOOM!!!!

good movie

2005-07-25T22:02:48Z

I just got done watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It's an excellent movie, but it hit really close to home for me. I found myself crying through a good chunk of it. It just remended me too much of my relationship/ or lack there of (hard to tell anymore) with dana. If youve seen it, the paralells are easy to draw. Course im sure that is the case with many people's relationships. Was kind of a messed up movie. Too many people complicating something that shouldnt be that complicated. Not sure how to end this post. im bored at home with dana. Its kind of uncomfortable. I want to talk to her but i dont know what to say. i'd kiss her but then ill just be told that im being clingy. course with how hot it is she prob wouldnt want anyone close, least of all me.

What happened?

2005-07-25T19:06:09Z

Well, i guess its no secret that me and dana had been having problems for a while now. Best estimations put it at about 1.5-2yrs. Yet she was willing to give me the one last chance to marry her during a vegas trip that never wound up happening back in may. We broke up in july, only 2 months later. What happened to make her change her mind so drastically in that 2 month period? She claims that its build up from 2 yrs of dealing with me but to change her mind so drastically in that 2 month period.....? Not sure what to think.

When im not around

2005-07-24T17:15:59Z

"When im not around
given a chance to really be what you are
will see you last
or turn to dust

When im not around
think of the ones who have loved you the most
stand up for their pride
breathe in their sweet life

And when you've gone
further away
i will be calling to you
send you a line
with all i can say
so you'll remember me too
help me believe
that we're always safe
perfectly sound
anytime
im not around

Injury's dark
and pain is a place that my follow cannot
break into the stride
these steps have been tried

send someone to shed
all the unwanted
all the unwanted

And when you've gone
further away
i will be calling to you
send you a line
with all i can say
so you'll remember me too
help me believe
that we're always safe
perfectly sound
anytime
i'm not around

If you've got secrets to hide
feel the truth would be unkind
i love you anyway"-iris

WTH???!!!

2005-07-23T00:43:27Z

Ok so everyone, and i mean everyone is telling me that things have been going on with dana and josh for a while now. I have come up to her with just bits and peices that people have told me about them witnessing. The idea that the whole world is in on a huge conspiracy to break us up is incredibly far fetched, But that is what dana claims. And the sick thing is I've decided to trust her regardless how obviously rediculous a position it puts me in. I have even accepted my own actions as being a large part of the problem and ive done everything i can think of to correct them. She has asked that i stop paying attention to what everyone else says and to simply trust her and so ive been doing just that lately. But what am i to do when she contradictes herself? What do i believe then? She wants me to trust her and i want to trust her. But i need more than her words to believe. I need her actions as well to show me that i can trust her. She wants me to stop listnening to other people and ive asked her to just simply not give people any ammunition to use against us. But it just seems like she isnt willing to do that. Her only solution she keeps telling me is to become a hermit. I dont want either of us to be hermits. I've been one far to long and i want to go out with her to places and do things. I want so badly for a solution. I just wish she was more willing to help me, but it feels as though she is just giving up. She took me back and im gratefull for that. But it almost seems like she see's it all as a big defeat. Unfortunatly josh's involvement in her life can only serve to complicate things whether i let it or not. she just refuses to understand that it isnt about me and how it makes me feel.

day4-5

2005-07-17T21:19:47Z

Dana surprised me with a phone call telling me she missed me and wanted me to come over so i plotted a course using internet maps and bus trip finders. I however of course screwed that up and got lost. i tried to meet her before her mall closed but i was late, we were going to walk home together but she had had a terrible day and didnt want to walk. After how many of the miles i walked from hawaiian gardens casino to lakewood mall, i felt about the same. Fortunatly she had gotten a ride for us from a co-worker. Im grateful to him for that. At least i made good time getting to her. i was around 1/2 hr late i think, not sure. i dont keep to much track of time anymore. When i finally found dana at her mall and she turned around saw me and smiled, it made the whole trip worth it. So we went home and spent the night together. It was wonderful. I havent felt that good in months if not longer. we watched dvd's and she drank some sour apple smirnov's and she offered me some. I instead just had her take drinks of it then id make out with her. I enjoyed that alot which i think surprised her. It is a shame she was so tired and had to be up the next day. I didnt get to enjoy her quite as much as id hoped to. I guess ill have to do that again when she isnt so tired or has the next day off.
The next morning it seemed as though id worn out my welcome. I'd planned to leave anyway. I just wish i could have left feeling a little better but some of the things she says just seem as though she is trying to put even more distance between us, so i left a little dissapointed. Oh well. All i can do is continue to try to give her space and prove to her how i feel and to not give up on me. what else?

Day 3

2005-07-16T11:20:06Z

Well i went out tonight to shenaii where i ran into another of dana's friends who told me how she see's the situation and it wasnt very encouraging. I also heard that the only reason dana hasnt left is because of jen. Who is she being honest to? me or everyone else? I trust her but she is confusing me. She claims we are trying to work things out with me but she tells everyone else a different story about how she just wants to get away from me. How can she just go from loving me to despising me like this? It kills me inside to feel like this. I just want her back and to make her happy. She doesnt think i trust her and it isnt true. How can i make her see? I miss her sooo much right now.

Day 2

2005-07-15T11:43:41Z

Today i thought would be a good one. And in parts i was right. Unfortunately work dragged. Its a shame i dont have alot of money, even with me not eating lately. The new issue of dark realms showed up at my work and the new artboook by joseph vargo. Shame i cant afford either right now. Been spending my money on things i havent spent it on in a while. Buying that whole bouquet of flowers just so i could get a couple roses to leave with dana on her pillo before i left yesturday, was perhaps a little reckless. But i felt the card could use a couple roses with it. I also realized what i have been suffering from lately. It would appear im suffering from panic attacks. Terri and robert at my work seemed really concerned about me today and tried to get me to eat but i already tried to force down food this morning. My panic attack lasted at least 2.5 hrs. just glad its not hitting me now. Went out tonight and saw willy wonka and the chocolate factory. It was awesome. I definitly recommend it. It isnt just a remake. They left out some elemants and put in others that are new. At least dana called me today to tell me she misses me. I miss her to, but she seems to need more time. When i was IM'ing her it seemed like i was trying too hard to try to have a conversation with her. She seems to only want to vent to me. Not that i mind, but i think i just need to listen to her instead of trying to see where im at. who knows?

Day 1

2005-07-14T10:33:02Z

Well, ive gotten through my first day without dana. Im staying with jovan so that I can give dana the time she has been asking for. It hasnt been easy, still have that urge to want to call her just to hear her voice. Just have to take a deep breath and try to ignore it. I said id give her a week and im going to do my best to stick to it. I hope she saw the card i left her on her pillow. I tried to get out before she saw me but she discovered the roses i put on her pillow. But im pretty sure she didnt see the card. This is probably going to be the hardest week of my life. I wish i could just sleep through it and wake up and go back to her. Course then there is the other bad part. The possibility that she may decide that i just dont mean anything to her anymore. I need to stop thinking like that. Im just going to make myself crazy. I do wish she wouldnt just post everywhere that we are over. I wish she would wait till she was sure of it before telling the world. But i suppose maybe she has already decided that we are over and just doesnt want to tell me. There i go again. I need to stop torturing myself.
I went out to machine tonight and actually didnt have a bad time. Turns out there are plenty of people i know there. I'd be willing to go back. Actually talked to alot of people tonight. Would go to bunker friday but dana wants to go and she doesnt want me around her at all till the weeks up. So while i was at maschine she was with erick aparently watching crybaby that she just bought. Almost a shame really, i would have liked to have hung out with erick at maschine. oh well. I guess ill just go do shenaii friday. Dont have any plans for tomorow though. Guess ill just see what comes up if anything. Funny thing about maschine, almost immediatly after i pay the guy at the door, the camera person was all over me. It was like i was a celebrity. lol. Im sure by tommorow ill be on the club website. Was fun, but i just wish me and dana werent going through this whole seperation. I would have enjoyed myself more with her there. Maybe at some point that will happen. I just have to be hopeful.

This is going to be the hardest week of my life

2005-07-13T15:21:23Z

Ive made the resolution to leave home and try to stay with friends for at least a week. Still not sure where im going to go. I just know that my being here isnt helping things. I have to take any chance i can to not lose my relationship with dana. Every instinct i have rebels at the idea of what im doing. The idea of leaving behind the one person whom i love above anything else seems like suicide after having realized how much she does in fact mean to me. I wish i could just sleep a solid week and just be unconcious for the whole event. Then wake up and find out how she feels. Course that is the other scary part. What will i do if she decides that she doesnt miss me at all? It's too horrible for me to consider. Part of me wishes that maybe i should have stayed bitter. Then i wouldnt have realized how much she matters and i could have just let her go. Too late now. I just have to deal with knowing what i do. I keep asking myself why i let it get this far. We were so happy together. I already have too many regrets. I hope never having been given the chance to fix things doesnt become one of them. Have to stop thinking about this. I need to fill my head with something else.

I need to stop doing this to myself

2005-07-13T06:36:15Z

What is the matter with me, im so controlled by fear that im acting far to much on it. I need to stop whining. I need to just relax and let it go. dana is right. i love her. I dont know how she feels and unfortunaltly neither does she. Its frustrating, but im not going to be able to remind her of why she loves me if im too busy dealing with all these people trying to break us up. Im just being a pest. Now ive chased her away with more stupid junk. Im just going to see about getting out of here, this is making me nuts.

I need to just have faith.

2005-07-12T15:24:33Z

I have spent a great deal of time worrying about my relationship, or my current lack thereof, with dana. My fear has been hitting me so hard that ive been unable to eat, sleep, and sometimes gives me trouble breathing. When we broke up i was so angry, bitter, and i felt betrayed. Then when i gave myself some time to think i realized why i had felt that way. It was because i realized exactly how much she means to me despite how i had felt. When i became aware of just how strong my feelings for her really are, it allowed me to open my eyes and see the situation for what it had been. I was to blame for my having been so angry and bitter in the first place. And it was my dwelling in those feelings that led to this.
Now me and her have switched places. She is angry and bitter as i was. I had reasons for being angry and bitter as now so does she. But I have broken from the cycle. I have come to understand that every mistake i have made has been because of decisions i made in anger or bitterness. We tell ourselves that we are just defending our feelings so we wont be hurt again, but that isnt true. The only thing that does is shut us off from love. It doesnt protect us from the pain. No matter how much we try to defend or hide our feelings, The pain of love lost or unrequited always hurts. The only way we are able to truly feel how good it feels to love is by throwing ourselves into it and just being able and willing to deal with what happens. No one wants to be hurt. In time its my hope dana will understand. In the meantime, i will continue to throw myself into the maelstorm. I just need to let her breathe and figure these things out. She is angry now and she needs time to break away from that. I will wait.If she comes back to me it will have to be her decision. I can convince the rest of the world of how i feel, but i cant convince dana how she feels. Only she can know her heart and only if she is willing and ready to look into it. She just needs time.